Go Through the Doors that are Open

I’m feeling totally defeated and it’s only 7:30.

But wait. It’s January 6 and I woke up just fine.

I worked on my writing and I was feeling perfect. Then I compared. Then I went down a minor rabbit hole. Then I despaired.

For the last half hour I thought it would be a good idea to knock, then bang, then kick on some locked doors.

They’re still locked.

I made a vow to go through the doors that are open. Not locked ones. I have proven to myself that I can get locked doors to open for me. It was decades of concentrated work, but I did it. It was satifying as hell and I’m always looking for that feeling again. For 20 years, I was in the 1 percent of earners in my very difficult Guild. My vocation is an impossible mountain that I did climb.

Why isn’t that enough? And I saved a few lives — on the side. Still not enough.

When I see a locked door, it’s akin to when i see a red flag.

I run.

Not away from it.

But straight for it. I hurl my body against that door, dropping to the floor. And repeat till full collapses.

I bleach the color of that red flag to faded red, to pink, to almost white-washed, when….

It falls in a puddle of red paint. Or blood. And it’s red again.

I am stopping this pattern in its tracks this minute. Re starting the engine.

Walking away from the locked doors now.

With a pause and a few deep breaths, I’m able to see the open door.

I see the light shining in. This one I will go through today.

I have no time for locked doors.